This year my husband and I celebrate our sixth anniversary and we’ve had plenty of newness to usher us into this next year of marriage. He started a new job in September. In November we welcomed our third child. Due to some unforeseen childcare changes in late December, we decided I would not return to work in February as planned.
I’ve been feeling especially reinvigorated in our marriage in large part due to these developments. They’ve got me thinking a lot about the Two Becoming One. As I’m learning by degree as a wife and mother, you can know something logically or theoretically much sooner than you know it fo-real. Two becoming one is not just moving in together and deciding whose toaster or coffee maker to hang on to or combining finances. It’s not just sex. It’s when you have less and less anything that predates the union, tangible or otherwise.
I think this process happens slowly- we left the city we met in and moved to a new town where Eric started a new job four months after getting married while I kept my job and just went remote. Just after our second child was born we traded in both of our vehicles from singlehood (my Suzuki Grand Vitara- poor Eric’s knees were practically in the engine compartment when he drove with a 2nd car seat in the back, and Eric’s Nissan Xterra) for our family hauler. Just a few months ago we finally parted ways with Eric’s bachelor sofa and recliner and purchased our first couch together. And this job I just left pretty suddenly I’d had for 11 years and in some ways my whole life because it used to be the family jam.
Of course my spouse and family came first since the day we got married. After just a week of being completely severed from a job I’d had for over a decade though—through our move, numerous staff changes, the arrival of our first two kids and even a transition of ownership but the job and my presence at the company was a constant—I see now that I was beholden to it. Probably in part because I worked remotely and therefore always felt “on call” (all jobs have their pros and cons and I’m thankful to have had the job I did for as long as I did), but that role and many of the relationships that came with it predated my relationship with my husband. It just feels as if much more space and capacity for attention has suddenly been created for me to focus on and support my family right now.
Going from a comfortable duel income to a single breadwinner in the family has also been surprisingly invigorating. We’re just a week in but it’s sparked entirely new conversations about budgets, goals, strategies, habits- a real pulling together and commitment to change with each other instead of just chugging along as usual. That newness again as we embark on a new adventure.
I’m sure I’ll be back to work at some point out of necessity and probably desire—I’m a big fan of seasons—but at that time it will be another new thing we weigh and decide together. I’m not suggesting people are supposed to fall off the face of the earth once hitched and are not allowed to have or do anything or converse with anyone from the before times--we still have my kitchen table ha. Or that you can’t have your own thoughts and opinions. This anniversary I’m just acutely aware of the whole new thing our marriage was when it started though it will take years to unfurl and we'll continue to shed things from before our time together as it does so. And that the fruits of it come in different seasons and bursts. We’re in a big burst right now.
